The past few months have been an incredible challenge for me personally and for us as a family. From small issues to larger issues, it does seem as though life’s challenges can come in waves and work at knocking you back as soon as you think you’re recovering a bit. I think I’m on the upswing of this whole sadness thing, though, and just want to share a glimpse at some of the things that have been challenging me (and us) over the past couple of months (in no particular order)…
The Bees
Losing our bees this spring has awakened a whole new level of worry for and confusion about our world, our food systems and our (human) place within it all. I have found myself contemplating our food systems, our ecosystems, our pollinators and our shortsightedness as people on this planet.
Silver linings? 1) People are becoming more aware of the issues facing our environment and our bees. Awareness doesn’t fix all of the problems we’re facing, but it is a first (and very important) step. 2) We were able to harvest the most delicious honey ever from the abandoned hive.
The Chicken
Ugh…I am just so sad about that damn chicken that died on us last week. Maybe it’s due to the fact that there was no warning and we weren’t able to figure out what happened. Maybe is due to everything else going on. But I think of that single chicken every day.
Silver linings? 1) We have 19 other chickens that makes me smile, and even laugh a little, every day, too. 2) The Ladies lay the most beautiful, most delicious eggs ever.
The Fridge
Early last week our fridge went out in a big way…I’m talking about glowing electrical issues behind the freezer panel, smoking, burning badness. If that weren’t bad enough, we had just done two weeks worth of grocery shopping. It was definitely not in the plan to drop $1,600 on a fridge anytime soon and yet, after working 45 hours in four days prepping for and training 21 staff for Summer Camp, we found ourselves at Best Buy breaking out the credit card.
The kicker? When the fridge was finally delivered, the plug was broken and there are zero Samsung certified electricians in Santa Fe, so they will replace the whole fridge in a few days. Yay for coolers, bags of ice and shuffling food!
Silver linings? 1) We were home when the fridge went out, so our house didn’t burn down. 2) We were able to save most of our food and keep it at work until our new fridge was delivered on Saturday. 3) Even though we had to use our Best Buy card, we were given three years interest free and will absolutely pay off the balance well before then.
The Girl
Several weeks ago, I mentioned a rough patch, but I wasn’t ready yet to share the truth of what was going on with us personally. I wanted to wait it out, see how it evolved and keep it tucked away as long as possible in the hope things would shift back and we would find some form of normal again. The truth is, I am not sure if it will shift back into any kind of normal I will recognize again, so all I can really do is share where we are now by sharing the facts as I know them.
Fish Girl, my 18 year old daughter, essentially ran away on April 1st and has not been home since. At first there was very little communication, but it has gotten better over the past seven weeks and I’m not as terrified as I was in April (we text, we chat, we see each other every once in a while), but my heart aches for all that has been broken in our relationship as a consequence of her choices.
It’s hard for me to wrap my head around it all. Until now I believed that children run away from homes that are dangerous and detrimental to their health and sanity…they don’t run away from loving, caring homes! Well, color me silly, I guess they do.
What it all boils down to (from my perspective) is 1) her love and perceived responsibility for a boy who was her friend and is now her boyfriend 2) her want to be independent and 3) her current inability to communicate effectively about her wants, needs, fears and dreams. So, instead of having a conversation, she ran away.
I have spent the better part of the last several weeks trying to wrap my head around her decision and am still at a loss. I miss her and her presence in our home. I worry for her and the choices she is making. I fear that she will throw away her future (and the $70,000 she has in college scholarships) to stay in her home-town with her boyfriend. I am learning that there is only so much control I have over all of it.
Silver linings? 1) She has graduated high school, despite being away from home and couch surfing for several weeks AND she graduated in the top 10% of her class! WooHoo!!! 2) I trust (because I have to) that she will eventually figure out that she does not have to remain on the tough road she has chosen (part time work, full time *expensive* life, no real college plans and surrounding herself with people who are not making the best conscious choices possible, to name a few). 3) My child is more independent than I thought she was. 4) I also trust that she is doing the very best that she knows how to do, right now…as am I. 5) There is huge growth for both of us (all of us) in this situation and, again, I trust we will all be better and stronger for it in the end.
Whew! Alright, I think you’re all caught up!
I hope that, wherever the day takes you, you’ll find some silver linings!
xoxo,
M
The silver linings and the ability to smile through tears will keep you going (and prayers). Hang in there, as they say, this too shall pass (i.e. growth that will make things much better than it has ever been).
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them greatly.
I am sorry about all your struggles. The problem with your bees has given me a new perspective and urgency about our shortsightedness as a nation, too. I even read Fruitless Fall because of your blog post to try to gain some perspective. It’s causing me to re-evaluate things I do on a daily basis and to search for solutions.
Thank you for your words, Cristy. I am glad to hear that you are doing your own research and looking for solutions! We will all have to work together to heal the wounds we have inflicted on our planet. Thank you for your work 🙂
That should be “sufficient” not “efficient unto love”.
Melissa, that must’ve been incredibly tough to handle, and sometimes the personal growth for both of you requires just such a hiccup, as hard as it was to handle.
Ultimately you have to trust the grounding you have given her will see her through not only this time, but any fallout that her action may cause in the future. As you say, the plus is that you are communicating again.
Kahil Gibran wrote:
“Your children are not your children,
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts
For they have their own thoughts.”
and
“Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is efficient unto love.”
Trust is the main thing for both of you. We have all done “stupid” things when we were younger, but, honestly, looking at who I am now – would I be the person I have become without those bloopses?
Hang in there – what is happening is beyond your control. The only thing you can do is be who you are – be constant – if it doesn’t work out for your daughter, she will need all that you have to share, offer and can provide with the love you feel for her. Deep down she is depending on that love no matter what the outcome is.
Dani, your words and wisdom are exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you so very much.
Oh gosh, that last one is a doozy. I’m so sorry about your daughter, I can understand going out of your mind like that. No, at 18, the “reasoning” ability hasn’t kicked in yet. Actually, I think it starts kicking in in a person’s late 30’s–at least, that’s been my experience! I hope you can mend the rift, and most of all, that she stays safe through it.
Best of all, I am so glad you can see the good in all the bad. That is the way to live, definitely!
I am sending good thoughts your way that things will get better.
Thank you for your kind words, Jocelyn. It has been rough, but there are definitely little things to be grateful for! I appreciate you thoughts and words!!!
Hello sweet Melissa! Wow, I had no idea all that was going on.
I have always liked this quote: ““When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” – Henry Ford
You’ll soon be soaring to new heights, I know it!
Thank you, 1st Man! This too shall pass 🙂
i’m sorry to hear about your troubles and admire your ability to see the silver linings. someone close to me eloped and fled across the country to live with their boyfriend at the age of 19. it was hard to accept but everything worked out. we can’t change people – we can only love them.=)
You are so right about not being able to change people, just love them! I raised my daughter to be strong and independent…maybe her strength and independence is just manifesting in an unexpected way 😉